First things first, “Happy Father’s Day” to my family and friends. Also, to the future father in the family. I am so proud, so touched by the way everyone is doing. You parents are kicking ass. Brings a huge smile to my face when I think of ya’all. All my love and respect.
Now on to my “Reality check”.
I’m going to vent a little. I always try to keep a positive outlook about my life and don’t get me wrong I still do but there are times when it is trying. I know it is this way for everyone and it is not unique to me or my situation. My hardest trying times have been losses of family and friends in my life. My Mom and Dad, Mary, Aunts and Uncles, Cousins, close friends, some felt like brothers and sisters, and most importantly Diana. All of the losses hurt me but hers crushed me. It took a long time to cope with her being gone.
Back to the Reality check. I don’t mean to get distracted by the past. This last 10 days have been a slap in the face. It’s been almost a year since my little mishap in the good old USA. Prior to it I felt on top of the world and I still kind of do in a way because I really do feel blessed in all I have received. I thank God every day. The financial aspects and the physical aspects of my mishap are seemingly slapping the crap out of me or at least distracting me from any meaning.
Physically I am getting better but I need to think more about others. Yesterday I was with a group that planned a little fishing trip in the national park. I had never been to where they wanted to fish but was told it was an hour hike. Last week I went on a small hike (at a lower elevation) and got an idea how my recovery is going. I wasn’t fast but between my legs and lungs I did ok and yes it was not a challenging trail, but I took my time and it felt good. Yesterday not so much. I physically could do it, but I realized I would be too slow to keep up. I will admit that I am super careful right now (totally out of character but I did almost lose the use of my legs and I am still healing) but that is no excuse to expect a whole group to hold back. This trail was a mountain trail at over 4000m (13,000ft) and in the clouds so visibility was not great. Within a short distance I lost site of the group and went up instead of down. One of the group back tracked and waved at me, so I turned around and headed the correct direction. In a short spell I caught up to everyone that had kindly stopped to wait for me. I said sorry I had lost the trail when it was mentioned to me nicely “if you keep up that is not a problem”. Boom reality check! Just stated as a fact right then and there. I understood it totally. I should listen to my head more than my heart and think of how my actions can affect others. Note taken, just not use to it. I mentioned that I would go back and hang around the park near the car and they all said if I wasn’t going, they wouldn’t either. Ugh, reality check again, because of me a whole group changed their plans of a wonderful day hiking a fishing. We did go back down and went to a lake below to fish. It was a wonderful day but in the back of my head I knew I was a weak spoke in the wheel and it bothers me still. I cannot say enough about how sorry I felt then and still feel about it now. Very selfish of me. Most of my life I have always held back to support the weak link now that’s me. Boom again. This has shown its ugly head to me a few times when I can’t keep up in the last 6 months. Thankful that my friends yesterday though disappointed took it in stride. (better than me)
Icing on the cake is the financial reality check from the mishap. That has come to bear and has keep my mind occupied. Boom again.
You know lately I feel that I am just taking up space. Not sure what to do about it. God does have his own ways of keeping you humble if you listen. After the accident I had my eyes opened to a few things, about how I felt deep inside. What was important to me and what I needed to do to fulfill those thoughts. Funny when it seems so simple and clear. Well, you tackle those thoughts and take action. I have made changes, spilled my heart even more (some family and friends could have done without this), done made plans that if I passed today or had something similar as my little mishap last year happened, I would be at peace. That being said I need to find peace living. I will be ok. Now smile.
Good news that on the bike my short comings are mainly my lungs. I will work on that.
Have a wonderful day ya’all.
After thoughts…………..
I know not my usual update and this is not a rant about feeling sorry for myself. More like thinking about getting slapped and what is next in this adventure. It has almost been a year since my misadventure and added with the above it makes you reflect on it all. Funny after all the stupid crap you do someone else almost does you in. Fact is if I had never woken up I would have never known. Fact is if I would had woken up without the use of my legs, I would have wished I hadn’t. My biggest fear by far is being a burden. God please just take me quick before that happens. Just a fact on how I look at life. Dad always said he wanted to go quick and he did. Maybe it rubbed off on me.
This woke me up in the sense that I put things in order as far as the priorities in my heart. If someone needs something and I can help, do it or give it. I only need air, food and not to be a burden. I want to be useful somehow and, in some way, I am feeling kind of useless now, but I hopefully will find a direction.
Wow what a rant. Sorry, I may take it down. Thanks to my family and friends past and present. You have made my life so wonderful. Yes the good and the bad and even I guess (though I am not happy about it) my misadventure. I will figure out how to deal with it one way or another.
